How to make sense of big feelings and emotional overreactions

Your emotions are powerful. They guide your decisions, shape your relationships, and alert you to danger. But what happens when your feelings get too loud? What if anxiety is screaming at you in the middle of a calm situation? Or guilt shows up just for saying no to your next door neighbour?

We are often told we need to listen to our emotions, but sometimes our emotions aren’t a helpful guide, and other times they seem absent – so how do you “listen” to them?

In this blog, we’ll explore why emotions are essential, how they can sometimes mislead us, and how to find a balance between listening and over-identifying.

“Standing on LEGO”: When Emotions Hurt But Aren’t Harmful

Ever stood on a piece of LEGO barefoot?  It hurt like crazy, right?  In that moment, it probably took over – you’d have to take a moment to catch your breath, and the pain was excruciating.  Yet, you weren’t badly injured, and after a few minutes, the pain went away.

Emotions can be just like that.

Sometimes, a small event (like a text being ignored) can trigger a huge emotional response like anxiety, shame or rage. That doesn’t mean something terrible has happened. It means your brain has stepped on some metaphorical Lego, and your nervous system is lighting up.

Other times, something huge happens — loss, illness, betrayal — and you feel strangely numb or flat. The emotional reaction doesn’t match the moment.

This mismatch can be confusing.   I have worked with many clients who struggle with this – they worry that they are overreacting to things or that they are cold and callous because they weren’t very upset at hearing bad news.

That’s why emotional wisdom is about knowing when to listen to your feelings and when to pause and question them.  

Why Emotions Matter

Emotions are biological signals designed to help us survive and connect.

• Fear keeps us safe.
  
• Anger protects our boundaries.
  
• Sadness helps us process loss and reach out for support.
  
• Joy strengthens relationships.

   

They’re messengers — not enemies. When we suppress or ignore them, they tend to come back louder. But when we over-identify with them, they can cause massive problems.  For example, you might lose your temper over a “minor” thing or feel incredibly anxious over a quick meeting.

When Emotions Get It Wrong: Emotional Reasoning

Ever had a thought like:

• “I feel anxious, so something bad must be about to happen.”
  
• “I feel overwhelmed, so I must not be able to cope.”

That’s emotional reasoning in action — a common thinking error that shows up in anxiety, perfectionism, and burnout.  When you feel anxious, the anxiety can take over, and you see everything through that anxious lens and almost find more things to be worried about.  

But feelings aren’t facts. They’re just data. And sometimes, the data is noisy, outdated, or based on past experiences rather than current reality.

What about when emotions don’t match the event?

Many of my clients become confused because their emotions don’t align with the events that cause them.  For example

Small event, big feeling:

• Your boss doesn’t reply to an email. Suddenly, you feel sick with anxiety.
  
• You forget a birthday and spiral into shame.

Big event, small or no feeling:

• You receive difficult medical news but feel oddly calm.
  
• A major breakup happens, and you’re emotionally flat.

They worry that they are cold or callous because they seem unbothered by big things.  Or they worry they are selfish because a small thing seems so big.

If you relate to this, it doesn’t mean you’re overreacting or broken. It means your nervous system is doing its thing — sometimes protectively, sometimes inaccurately. It’s normal.

Respond, don’t react.

Okay, so you understand that you shouldn’t ignore your feelings, but you also shouldn’t let them take over.  So what should you do?  You respond with emotional wisdom.

Emotional wisdom doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings. It means responding with curiosity, not panic. Here are a few of my top tips to help.

1. Name It to Tame It

Expressing your feelings in words helps regulate your nervous system. Try:

“I’m noticing a wave of shame right now.”
“Anxiety is showing up for me right now.”

2. Use the Lego Test

Ask yourself: Is this emotion more like stepping on Lego or breaking a leg?

• Lego = painful but temporary
• Broken leg = needs urgent attention

Another way to check this out is to ask yourself: Will I still be bothered by this next week?  In a month?  Next year?  If you aren’t bothered by it next week, it’s an emotional LEGO.

3. Check the Facts 

This is a tip from CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy).

• What happened?
• What am I assuming?
• What’s the evidence for and against my interpretation?

For example, your friend hasn’t texted you back, and you start to panic, worrying that she has been in an accident.  Checking out the situation, your assumptions about it, along with the evidence for and against, could help you realise that there are many explanations for the lack of reply – maybe her phone battery is flat, perhaps she is busy, or has no signal.  

Facts help anchor you when feelings want to pull you into a storm.

4. Know Your Patterns

If you tend to catastrophise, people-please, or hold yourself to impossible standards, those patterns will shape your emotions. Awareness is the first step in changing them.

For example, if you know you are a people pleaser, you can ask yourself, “Is people pleasing showing up here?”  Knowing that people pleasing is fueling your emotional reaction might take the sting away a little or give you some space to decide how to respond instead of reacting.

5. Ground Yourself

If you’re flooded by emotion, come back to the body.

Try the ACE technique from Dr Russ Harris

A = Acknowledge

Name what’s showing up: thoughts, feelings, physical sensations.

• “I’m noticing anxiety.”

 This builds awareness and creates space between you and the experience.

C = Come Back to the Body

Ground yourself in the present moment.

• Feel your feet on the floor.

• Wiggle your fingers.

• Take a slow, deep breath.

• Drop your shoulders.

This brings you out of your head and into your body, hopefully helping to slow down the speeding train of thoughts going through your mind.

 E = Engage 

Choose a small step toward your values.

• Ask: What’s the kind thing to do here?

• What matters most right now?

• How do I want to show up?

 Even when thoughts and feelings are messy, you can act on purpose, not panic.

ACE in Action (Example)

Situation: You get critical feedback and feel a shame spiral coming on.

• Acknowledge: “I’m feeling embarrassed and defensive.”

• Come back: Take a breath, unclench your jaw, and feel your feet on the ground.

• Engage: Decide to thank the person for the feedback and review it later when calmer.

Final Thoughts: Respond to your emotions with curiosity 

Your feelings deserve your attention — but not always your obedience.

They’re like little kids shouting, “Look at me!” Sometimes they need a cuddle. Sometimes they need a nap. And sometimes they need a polite, “Thanks for the info, but I’ve got this.”

Therapy can help you build emotional confidence — so you know when to honour your feelings, when to question them, and when to just breathe through them.

If this sounds like something you’d like help working through, I can offer a complimentary 20-minute phone call to learn more.  Click the link below to book.