Five things I have learned in five years of being aN ANXIETY therapist

I had my first client in the middle of  the COVID lockdown.

Because of social distancing, I had to conduct the session over the phone rather than face-to-face, and I remember nervously picking up the phone to call them, holding a landline in one hand and a mug of tea in the other, my heart hammering.   This wasn’t how it was supposed to be – all my college practice had been face-to-face – how was I supposed to build a rapport with someone on the other end of the phone?  The client, of course, didn’t know they were my first one, and I still think about them and wonder how they are doing.

That set the tone for my early work: learning to hold space, build trust, and connect all through screens and phone lines whilst navigating a global pandemic.  Often, clients were bringing the same issues to therapy as I was struggling with myself – feeling isolated, worrying about catching the virus, and fearing for vulnerable loved ones.  Not ideal… and a crash course in being an effective therapist. 

It was six months before restrictions lifted enough to allow me to finally sit in a room with a client face-to-face.

Five years later, I’ve now worked with hundreds of clients navigating anxiety, grief, burnout, life transitions, relationship struggles, identity shifts, and the “I don’t even know what’s wrong but something’s not right” feelings.

Here are five of the biggest things I’ve learned so far from my personal experience as a therapist.

1. People Are Far Stronger Than They Think

I’ve witnessed people at their lowest points—grieving the unimaginable, overwhelmed by panic, doubting they’ll ever feel okay again—and I’ve seen them slowly come back to life, a testament to their incredible resilience.

They walk in saying, “I can’t cope.”
They walk out saying, “I didn’t realise I could handle that.”

One of the most important questions I use in therapy is:
“Are you underestimating your ability to cope?”

Because anxiety lies, it tells you that you’re fragile, broken, and weak. But your nervous system, your brain, and your entire history of surviving prove otherwise. Therapy doesn’t magically erase struggle, but it helps people rediscover their resilience, often buried under years of pressure, fear, and self-doubt.

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2. Anxiety Isn’t the Enemy—It’s Just a (Terrible) Messenger

It took me so long to understand this about my anxiety: anxiety is not a character flaw. It’s not a moral failing. It’s your brain doing its job… just a bit too enthusiastically.

It’s trying to protect you. It just sounds the alarm too loud and too often, so you end up getting worried about routine work meetings or what that stranger on the bus thought about you.  You don’t want to get rid of anxiety because anxiety is what stops you from driving 100mph down the motorway in fog and ice or walking too close to a cliff edge.  Anxiety keeps us safe, it keeps us alive – it’s just that sometimes it gets out of control and becomes an issue.

Many people struggling with anxiety think they are weak, but honestly, I think anxious people are the most courageous out there.  How brave must you be to keep showing up even when your internal threat alarm is blaring?  I have a theory that anxious people cope well in dangerous life-or-death situations because they are so brave, and they know how to cope with fear better than most.

Over time, I’ve learned that my job isn’t to help people “get rid of” anxiety (that’s impossible)—it’s to help them change how they respond to it. That’s where ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) and CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) come in. ACT helps you accept your thoughts and feelings and commit to making changes, while CBT provides practical tools for building distance from those anxious thoughts, grounding yourself in the present, and reconnecting with what matters to you.

Anxiety doesn’t need to be banished. It just needs to stop being the boss of your decisions, and it needs to go back into its box from time to time.

3. Therapy Isn’t About Fixing People—It’s About Understanding Them

So many clients say, “I’m broken. I’m useless.”
But they’re not broken. They’re human. Often exhausted, confused, or tangled up in impossible expectations—but absolutely not broken.

Therapy, when it’s working well, feels less like a repair shop and more like a safe space to gently unpick the threads of your story. We make sense of things together. We shine a light on the inner critic, the unhelpful thinking patterns, and the coping mechanisms that once served a purpose but are now causing problems.

And sometimes, it’s about sitting with someone in their pain, not rushing them to change or “solve it,” but helping them feel less alone. That, in itself, is deeply healing.

4. Anxiety Can Wear a Very Convincing Mask

Not all anxious people look anxious.

I’ve worked with clients who are high achievers, the go-to person in the family, the calm one in a crisis. They run businesses, manage teams, and raise kids. Yet they feel as if they are literally falling apart inside.

They’re plagued by overthinking and obsessed with being perfect. Exhausted by people-pleasing. Tortured by a never-ending loop of “what if?”
And if they ask for help or support?  Most of them hear this:
“You seem so calm.”
“I’d never have guessed you’re anxious.”
Which makes them feel even more alone, and sometimes even ashamed.  

If you’re reading this and thinking, “That’s me”… please know you’re not faking or dramatic. You’re coping and suffering at the same time. It’s okay to seek help, even if your life looks fine from the outside. You are not alone, and your feelings are valid.  You don’t need to wait until everything falls apart to get help and support.

5. I need to be myself with clients

I used to think I had to be the perfectly neutral therapist—the serene one. Always calm, always wise, and always with the right answer or reflection for every client, all the time.

Now, I understand that the most effective sessions are those where both the client and I are authentic.  There are times when clients have been mistreated, and I allow my anger at their abusers to show.  Other times, I find myself getting excited when clients share good news or achieve something significant.  The truth is, I deeply care about my clients and I experience their highs and lows.  I want them to see this authentic side of me, not a neutral facade. This authenticity in the therapeutic relationship is so important as it fosters a sense of trust and connection.

So I show up as me. I still hold boundaries and professionalism, of course. But I also bring my real, human self into the room. I share metaphors, sometimes laugh with clients, and occasionally share with them that I, too, struggle with the things they bring to therapy, so they know they aren’t alone. It’s a delicate balance, but one that’s crucial for effective therapy. And remember, it’s never about me – that’s super important too.

When I am my authentic self, I can see clients being themselves and opening up more. This has led to instances where clients have had breakthroughs in their understanding of their issues or have felt more comfortable discussing difficult topics. That’s when the healing begins.